Vacation .. without him

2 months today... Preparations with hues of excitement, anxiety, anticipation, expectations and dues of responsibility that ought to have been shouldered long ago make my mind forget the date in the morning.. I realize the date suddenly in the shower and is faced with the blatant truth that Baba has left us forever on this very day , 2 months back.. No matter how much I have dreams of walking miles with him with he decides to buy his medicine on his own, or have dreams of him planning a vacation meticulously as he always did, these are dreams and nothing but dreams.. these are never going to be the reality ever, anymore.. no matter how much we miss him or want to have him with us..

He had traveled with my Ma alone on quite a few occasions.. He and Ma had traveled with my Brother for his admissions etc,.. he had traveled with Ma and Bhai to attend weddings while I had stayed back on the pretext of work not very eager to attend a family wedding and answer questions about when I would marry.. Ma and I have traveled without Baba and Bhai to attend weddings too.. Baba had traveled absolutely alone earlier on official tours.. Baba, Ma, and I have gone to Shantiniketan (with @Koyel Says) leaving Bhai behind as he does not like that place much.. I had gone to Shantiniketan with friends and their parents leaving Baba and Ma at home although they love/d the place.. Baba, Bhai, my s-i-l and I have traveled to a certain place to seal a certain bond.. The entire extended family had traveled together with my parents when the seal was celebrated.. I had traveled with my brother to break the seal.. years back, Ma and I have traveled back from Aurangabad after a short stay with my bro when he studied architecture as Baba traveled to Mumbai to attend to some work.. I had traveled on a couple of occasions to Gurgaon alone to spend spend time with a dear friend Paromita Banerjee and explore job options..Baba spent a complete Durga Puja absolutely alone at Shantiniketan just to be with himself..

So it is not that I have never gone on a vacation without Baba.. It is also not that Baba had never gone on a vacation without me or any of us.. It is not that we have always been having close-knit family vacations in the recent years.. It is true that the last family vacation that we had was as long back as 2009 May when Baba, Ma, Bhai, his wife, and I all went to Goa and enjoyed immensely. The one before that was again the five of us together at Mandarmoni in April 2007. He was planning a family vacation in June 2011 to counter Ma's depression during her liver treatment. We were about to visit Kurseong (where he studied in his childhood), Kalimpong, and Darjeeling (the place of the earliest vacation that the four of us had enjoyed back in 1982 when Baba toured Darj during the building of SInclairs). Every booking was made in 2011 June when a doctor treating Ma's skin conditions advised us to postpone/cancel the trip. That postponement was followed by a proposal in my life when things and our lives started flowing in strange directions.

The family vacation before Mandarmoni in 2007, when family meant Baba-Ma-Bhai and I, the four of us, was quite long back in 1995 when we went to Puri after my HS. The one before that was in 1991 when we spent a large part of our Puja vacation at Delhi, Agra, and Fatehpur Sikri.. The one before that was a lovely Christmas vacation at Madhuban in 1990, the four of us, climbing the Parashnath and enjoying the delicacies at the Jain Dharamshala.. The one before that might have been our puja vacation at Lucknow at my aunt's house and touring the Imambara and Bhulbhulaiya and tasting kebabs.. The one before that was our wonderful January vacation at Toshali Sands, Puri..and the one before that was the grand one.. our ever-memorable vacation touring Kathmandu, Pokhra, and Nepal.. It goes without saying that these vacations that Baba took us on were showered with abundance of every kind.. He knew how to enjoy and always booked the best of conveyance and accommodation, always keeping our comfort in mind..

When our time came to pay him back, we could not gift him a single holiday or a well-earned vacation.. Over the 14 months when he had been bedridden I kept planning that we would hire an ambulance and take him to Mandanrmoni or Digha for a change of scene, but that never materialized. Today, it is exactly 2 months that he is no more. He has traveled on his own.. He is enjoying his well-deserved vacation.. He is on the longest possible holiday and does not have to depend on us, neither does he need to take care of us.. It is like that holiday that he took in Shantiniketan, away from all of us, away from all responsibilities.. Only this holiday will never end, and he will never return..

We will start our new experiences.. Our new "first-time-ever"s.. Our journeys on our own.. Our vacations, our holidays, our breaks, without his physical presence with us, or without the feeling that he is at home and we would see him on our return.. We, who loved to travel with him.. we, who have innumerable happy memories of our childhood and adulthood vacations with him.. We, who miss him.. We, who always carry him in our hearts..

Written on Aug 2, 2014

Prior to this evening, the last cup of tea that I had made for you was on the morning of April 30 when you sat at our dining table as you bled profusely from your head injury. Startled, hurried, and unused to making tea for you in the morning, I had put sugar in your cup and did not even realize it, until you sipped it and said "Chini diyechhis naki? (Have you put sugar in it?)". Realizing my mistake, I promptly made you another sugarless cup of tea as you waited for Buro to arrive with the car and take you to the hospital.

Yes, it was as long as 3 months back. Over this lo-o-ng period I, who made your evening tea everyday (sometimes impatiently much before you reached home, and you heating the tea up in the microwave without a single complaint), have not made a single cup of tea for you. Today evening, after I had made your tea, after you had had it, after I had asked you how the tea was, and after you had uttered the word "Excellent" with utmost clarity, I realized that the last cup of tea that I had made for you was a little more than 3 months back! It has been the longest 3 months of your life, the longest battle, the hardest struggle that you have ever faced. It has been the longest battle for quite a few. I am touching wood..as there are heartwarming signs that there might be a victory.. as you tell Jethu that even you can make tea when Jethu says that he can make it for you, and as you utter the word "Excellent" without a single quiver.

Have as Many Potatoes as you Want to, Baba!

Last year, Aug 3 was a Sunday.. a Happy day.. a Happy Evening.. My cousin was visiting with his wife and child.. Baba felt that the child was trying a lot to help in his recovery, he told me this in so many words! In the evening, he was wheeled to my brother's flat where everybody sat together for tea and chitchat.. Baba said, "She seems to be in virtual world half the time.. at least that is what I think", looking at the child... He was expecting something more than just chitchat to happen.. He kept asking why had he been brought there, was someone going to sing a song? He asked for the same glass of fruit juice that he had had in the morning.. He was refused because of his sugar level.. Looking at the fried potatoes that my brother was preparing for his meat recipe, Baba asked for one. He was assured that he would be given one with his dinner. When they were putting him back to his bed in his room, he told me "Nobody will give me the potato. I know". I told my brother to give him a small piece at least..

Baba, I hope the world you are in right now is free of restrictions.. You are getting lots of sweets, fruit juices, potatoes, luchi, paratha and what not. You are getting to hear songs.. and Nobody is refusing you anything.. None is making fun of you too.. Love you..