There can be no Divorce with BeTu

my BeTuraam-- He would have kept calling me "BumMa" as it is, since that is what he learned to call me as he was learning to speak.. his love for me never faded irrespective of the distances.. He was so happy to see me on the hotel staircase on Feb 28, 2014 and exclaimed, "Mummy, Bumma toh cholei elo!".. thank God , there can be no divorce with a mother, no law plays a part here.. Thank God, I dont need to ask him to change what he calls me.. I will be Bumma to him forever and ever..I adore that , cherish that, love that.. just loved it when he introduced me to his 3.5-month old sister saying, "ei eTa Bumma".. I Love you, BeTu!!

written on Nov 29, 2014

My meeting with Sweta yesterday was one after 5 long years (the last time I met her was in November 2009 when we spent a lovely evening shopping in Dakshinapanand South City Mall and talking our hearts out and having some good food at the sc food court).. Over the last five years, our lives have undergone one too many changes.. Things that have happened to each of us over the last 5 years have some been desirable, some been unimaginable, some been not-too-desirable.. life has changed around us, appointing us new roles, newer responsibilities, different mindsets, and a lot more different elements that maybe we did not have back then.. What remains unchanged was the relaxation that Sweta always brings to anybody around her, the love, concern, and good wishes that we hold for each other, the needlessness to prove anything to her, the dispensability of the facade I usually wear with everybody (except close and dear old friends) around me.. What remains unchanged is that we both can always begin as if we had just parted last evening when school got over and we left our 11D-12D classroom..

Meeting Sweta

Nov 28, 2014

So, I finally come out of my 2.5-year-long hiatus of shying away from friends (exceptKoyel, who is no less than a part of me) and visit my dear friend Sweta at her parents' house (which means I meet her parents, especially her Mom, as well).. get to meet her 3.5-year old son, Tiplu, for the first time.. rediscover that feeling of assurance and warmth that old friends bring effortlessly.. gather the will, desire, and courage to meet friends whom I have been avoiding for the last 30 months or so .. get to know so much that I did not know about her parents' health.. share my dad's stories.. hear the beautiful laughter of Tiplu, see his lovely smile, touch his slender tenderness..shed my inhibitions and earn the feeling that I have places to share my story if and when I want.. Thanks, dear friend, for the unspoken and spoken words (for the beautiful blanket and lotion, as well).. Thanks, Tiplu for the giggles, chuckles, and heartfelt moments heart emoticon .. I am happy that I made the effort and paid the visit.. that I turned a visit to the bank and market into a beautiful meeting with a precious friend..

The Love Behind the Dresses.. May I Never Lose Her Love

I have known her for years. She has always touched my heart with her warmth and simplicity. She has been a witness to many of my life's moments. But, then, on her migration to the UK, there had been a drift. Although she made it a point to visit us, whenever she came to Kolkata, there have been many trips of her when she did not manage to meet us.. Although she stays at the house next to mine during her Kolkata visits, often it has so happened that we have not met during her trips. A lot has transpired during this period.. my marriage, my divorce, my father's illness.. I met her after years in the beginning of this July when she had to hurry down to Kolkata with her husband after her mom-in-law's stroke .. Yeah, she is my neighborhood Jethi's daughter-in-law.. When I went to meet her on a July afternoon, it was a time when my Baba was becoming depressingly bedridden and her mom-in law had slipped into a coma, the first reaction from her was a warm hug.. as warm and tight as it can get.. Her eyes brimmed and she tried to talk about mundane matters, not touching the delicate subjects. She held me as if I was made of cotton wool and would fly off any moment.. She kept holding me all the way to their upstairs room where her husband was.. 
A few weeks later, the day before she was to return to the UK, I gave her the news that my Baba was improving a bit.. She was happy and assured.. Baba left us a fortnight after she left for the UK.. and Jethi left us after almost 6 weeks of Baba's demise.. My neighborhood dada-boudi observed Jethi's Shraddh at Edinborough and visited India in October. On November 1, they observed another Shraddh that was attended by all Kolkata relatives, neighbors, and friends.. They are to return to the UK today.. Last evening, amidst a lot of guests attending her, Boudi found time to visit my Ma and me with her son Shubhan, whom I have seen since he was a few days old, who is a lanky 17 year old now! Transmitting her warmth all along, it was a lovely half hour that Boudi spent with us. And then came the biggest surprise! She pulled out a big blue plastic bag and took out some extremely fashionable dresses from it! She had brought clothes for my brother, s-i-l, and me from the UK and asked me to try mine on! I was touched and speechless! Not one and two, but quite a few beautiful dresses for me that moved me deeply. I have not bought a single dress for myself since May 2012.. it has been my way of abstinence, trying to compensate for all the huge expenses that my father had incurred for my wedding.. a wedding that became meaningless just after a few months.. The only new dress that I have worn over the last 3.5 years is the one gifted to me by a dear brother Siddharth... Still, I do not find space in my wardrobe, and it seems to be overflowing with clothes always, maybe because, I maintain my clothes delicately and my figure remains unaltered over the years.. 
Coming back to Boudi, as we hugged goodbye, I could feel the love that she feels for me and felt blessed and thankful! Love is something that you cannot buy with money, you either earn it or lose it, you either find it and keep it, or destroy it somehow.. As I tried on the clothes later on, they were a perfect fit, as if they had been tailor-made for me! As I touched the soft fabrics, I could feel the love that was behind those clothes, love so unexpected!.. Love, absolutely priceless. I cannot and would not thank you, Boudi. Your gesture meant the world to me.. Love you. heart emoticon Stay like this, and I pray that I never lose your love heart emoticon

OCT 31.. Day Mrs. Indira Gandhi was assassinated..

30 years of Indira Gandhi's assassination and the resulting fanaticism against the Sikhs.. I still remember that evening.. I was going out with Thamma to attend my CLT class.. people from the tea-shop opposite our house in our then-new neighborhood advised my Granny to stay indoors and gave her the news.. We did not have a television back then.. So, Thamma took us to our next-door-neighbor Shipra-Jethi's house and settled in front of their TV.. Later, Baba joined us there.. it was a long evening of adults watching the News.. We did not go to school the next day.. Acc to Wiki, my memory is okay, as the news was announced on Doordarshan more than 10 hours after Mrs Gandhi was shot. The shooting took place around 9-20 am, she was taken to AIIMS around 9-30 am, and she was declared dead around 2-20 pm.

A lump in the throat

His precious Bose Audio Player had the Harry Belafonte CD on the CD tray till I switched it on today.. The CD that we played for his birthday and then I continued to play it for a few days... The CD remaining there when we had to hospitalize him on April 5 .. He was released on 29th April but was not brought home.. The CD player and the CD stayed where they were as this time I did not have the enthusiasm to transport the player to where he was.. primarily looking at his condition.. He left us on June 20, and today after almost 4 months of his demise, I think of playing a CD on his favorite player (not on my PC or DVD player as I often do) .. As I press the "EJECT" button on the remote, the Harry Belafonte CD slides out and a lump creeps up my throat.. memories of his birthday flash by when my brother decided to play something cheerful and chose that CD from the few that I had taken upstairs to his room.. I had taken upstairs just a few from his huge collection that I rotated and played.. Sasha's "Poraan Khule", Aditi Gupta's Adhoramadhuri that I had gifted parents for the 2013 Puja (a CD that he had never opened till I opened it and played it for him after he came home on September 4, 2014), a Bhupen Hajarika CD, a RS CD of many veteran RS singers, and of course the Harry Belafonte one .. Although, he did not pay attention most of the time and did not even realize that a song was playing in his room, I feel terribly guilty for not taking his entire CD collection upstairs and for not playing more songs for him.. for not taking the Bose player to SCG this time for the last 6 weeks of his life..

I play the Bhupen Hajarika CD at a high volume and the house fills up with the songs that were my companions many a night when I did his blood sugar test, gave him insulin, gave him medicines, reminding him how to take medicines and how to swallow water.. the last song of the CD always gave me goosebumps.. and I sang it out aloud looking at him.. AAmra Korbo Joy Nischoy.. We Shall Overcome.. that song helped Ma and Me on many a difficult night.. today as the CD revolves and we reach the last song.. Aamra Korbo Joy playing in my house right at this moment as I write this.. This time, it is a new challenge, a new test.. Aamra Korbo Joy.. I only miss holding one of his fingers while I listened to this song and sang along.. Aamra Korbo Joy Nischoy..

Be with me, Baba, in whichever way possible.. heart emoticon

Vacation .. without him

2 months today... Preparations with hues of excitement, anxiety, anticipation, expectations and dues of responsibility that ought to have been shouldered long ago make my mind forget the date in the morning.. I realize the date suddenly in the shower and is faced with the blatant truth that Baba has left us forever on this very day , 2 months back.. No matter how much I have dreams of walking miles with him with he decides to buy his medicine on his own, or have dreams of him planning a vacation meticulously as he always did, these are dreams and nothing but dreams.. these are never going to be the reality ever, anymore.. no matter how much we miss him or want to have him with us..

He had traveled with my Ma alone on quite a few occasions.. He and Ma had traveled with my Brother for his admissions etc,.. he had traveled with Ma and Bhai to attend weddings while I had stayed back on the pretext of work not very eager to attend a family wedding and answer questions about when I would marry.. Ma and I have traveled without Baba and Bhai to attend weddings too.. Baba had traveled absolutely alone earlier on official tours.. Baba, Ma, and I have gone to Shantiniketan (with @Koyel Says) leaving Bhai behind as he does not like that place much.. I had gone to Shantiniketan with friends and their parents leaving Baba and Ma at home although they love/d the place.. Baba, Bhai, my s-i-l and I have traveled to a certain place to seal a certain bond.. The entire extended family had traveled together with my parents when the seal was celebrated.. I had traveled with my brother to break the seal.. years back, Ma and I have traveled back from Aurangabad after a short stay with my bro when he studied architecture as Baba traveled to Mumbai to attend to some work.. I had traveled on a couple of occasions to Gurgaon alone to spend spend time with a dear friend Paromita Banerjee and explore job options..Baba spent a complete Durga Puja absolutely alone at Shantiniketan just to be with himself..

So it is not that I have never gone on a vacation without Baba.. It is also not that Baba had never gone on a vacation without me or any of us.. It is not that we have always been having close-knit family vacations in the recent years.. It is true that the last family vacation that we had was as long back as 2009 May when Baba, Ma, Bhai, his wife, and I all went to Goa and enjoyed immensely. The one before that was again the five of us together at Mandarmoni in April 2007. He was planning a family vacation in June 2011 to counter Ma's depression during her liver treatment. We were about to visit Kurseong (where he studied in his childhood), Kalimpong, and Darjeeling (the place of the earliest vacation that the four of us had enjoyed back in 1982 when Baba toured Darj during the building of SInclairs). Every booking was made in 2011 June when a doctor treating Ma's skin conditions advised us to postpone/cancel the trip. That postponement was followed by a proposal in my life when things and our lives started flowing in strange directions.

The family vacation before Mandarmoni in 2007, when family meant Baba-Ma-Bhai and I, the four of us, was quite long back in 1995 when we went to Puri after my HS. The one before that was in 1991 when we spent a large part of our Puja vacation at Delhi, Agra, and Fatehpur Sikri.. The one before that was a lovely Christmas vacation at Madhuban in 1990, the four of us, climbing the Parashnath and enjoying the delicacies at the Jain Dharamshala.. The one before that might have been our puja vacation at Lucknow at my aunt's house and touring the Imambara and Bhulbhulaiya and tasting kebabs.. The one before that was our wonderful January vacation at Toshali Sands, Puri..and the one before that was the grand one.. our ever-memorable vacation touring Kathmandu, Pokhra, and Nepal.. It goes without saying that these vacations that Baba took us on were showered with abundance of every kind.. He knew how to enjoy and always booked the best of conveyance and accommodation, always keeping our comfort in mind..

When our time came to pay him back, we could not gift him a single holiday or a well-earned vacation.. Over the 14 months when he had been bedridden I kept planning that we would hire an ambulance and take him to Mandanrmoni or Digha for a change of scene, but that never materialized. Today, it is exactly 2 months that he is no more. He has traveled on his own.. He is enjoying his well-deserved vacation.. He is on the longest possible holiday and does not have to depend on us, neither does he need to take care of us.. It is like that holiday that he took in Shantiniketan, away from all of us, away from all responsibilities.. Only this holiday will never end, and he will never return..

We will start our new experiences.. Our new "first-time-ever"s.. Our journeys on our own.. Our vacations, our holidays, our breaks, without his physical presence with us, or without the feeling that he is at home and we would see him on our return.. We, who loved to travel with him.. we, who have innumerable happy memories of our childhood and adulthood vacations with him.. We, who miss him.. We, who always carry him in our hearts..

Written on Aug 2, 2014

Prior to this evening, the last cup of tea that I had made for you was on the morning of April 30 when you sat at our dining table as you bled profusely from your head injury. Startled, hurried, and unused to making tea for you in the morning, I had put sugar in your cup and did not even realize it, until you sipped it and said "Chini diyechhis naki? (Have you put sugar in it?)". Realizing my mistake, I promptly made you another sugarless cup of tea as you waited for Buro to arrive with the car and take you to the hospital.

Yes, it was as long as 3 months back. Over this lo-o-ng period I, who made your evening tea everyday (sometimes impatiently much before you reached home, and you heating the tea up in the microwave without a single complaint), have not made a single cup of tea for you. Today evening, after I had made your tea, after you had had it, after I had asked you how the tea was, and after you had uttered the word "Excellent" with utmost clarity, I realized that the last cup of tea that I had made for you was a little more than 3 months back! It has been the longest 3 months of your life, the longest battle, the hardest struggle that you have ever faced. It has been the longest battle for quite a few. I am touching wood..as there are heartwarming signs that there might be a victory.. as you tell Jethu that even you can make tea when Jethu says that he can make it for you, and as you utter the word "Excellent" without a single quiver.

Have as Many Potatoes as you Want to, Baba!

Last year, Aug 3 was a Sunday.. a Happy day.. a Happy Evening.. My cousin was visiting with his wife and child.. Baba felt that the child was trying a lot to help in his recovery, he told me this in so many words! In the evening, he was wheeled to my brother's flat where everybody sat together for tea and chitchat.. Baba said, "She seems to be in virtual world half the time.. at least that is what I think", looking at the child... He was expecting something more than just chitchat to happen.. He kept asking why had he been brought there, was someone going to sing a song? He asked for the same glass of fruit juice that he had had in the morning.. He was refused because of his sugar level.. Looking at the fried potatoes that my brother was preparing for his meat recipe, Baba asked for one. He was assured that he would be given one with his dinner. When they were putting him back to his bed in his room, he told me "Nobody will give me the potato. I know". I told my brother to give him a small piece at least..

Baba, I hope the world you are in right now is free of restrictions.. You are getting lots of sweets, fruit juices, potatoes, luchi, paratha and what not. You are getting to hear songs.. and Nobody is refusing you anything.. None is making fun of you too.. Love you..